The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1975
I think of her often…
I get my high cheek bones from my mother. Our faces are strikingly similar. I remember she had beautiful hands especially because she was always creating things with them. If I close my eyes I can see her neatly polished red finger nails, sparkling diamond ring and the faintly tattooed “R” in between her thumb and index finger. I can hear her voice clearly but I am afraid one day I may wake up and not remember it. As with my own, her smile didn’t always seem to reach her eyes but once it did she was magical. One characteristic I wish I possessed. I inherited her get up and go spontaneity, her big heart, and endless amount of compassion and kindness— to a fault. Life can be so hard, people can be cruel and not all dreamers like me can be understood. My saving grace (or thorn in my side) despite those things is that she also taught me to hope. To see that in spite of the occasional shit storm, life offers so many more moments in the sun. I believe it…
She had her faults and her demons as most human beings do. When I was eleven I watched as she fought those demons they seemed to almost chase her at times. Some dragons refuse to be slayed. As one of the toughest women I’ve ever known— looking back it seems she hid her pain within that very toughness. I think I do the same with my strength. As a kid I don’t think one is ever prepared to see their parents in any kind of vulnerable position. It is odd to reverse roles even for a minute. I wish I could have eased that pain, erased it from her memory and stopped her tears with my hands. There is a saying which I have tattooed on back that says “Made Lovely By Sorrow”. It means overcoming something sorrowful or tragic by picking up the pieces and creating something beautiful in your life or in the world, all while keeping your spirit intact. I think she did the best she could. I think my mother was lovely.
When she died all those years ago she left me the keys and no visible map or compass just soft whispers of guidance I can hardly decipher and nobody else can hear. I wrote her a letter once, tied it to a green helium balloon and let it go in hopes that it would reach her. I’m not sure it ever did. I imagine it getting intercepted by electrical wires; my note swaying wildly in the breeze like a paper wind chime next to a pair of dangling converse. I had to grow up quick and with a mother visibly absent I have fallen on my face many times. I felt her all around me, seen her in the faces of my brother and baby sisters but when my heart was broken, my spirit torn or things just got too heavy I was alone. But knowing her, she never left me. This I know now. If you believe in guarding angels I think she is mine. All those times I cried myself blind she sat quietly in the corner mending my heart and stitching patches on my spirit. I think because of her I am lovely too…I miss her.
Amelie is on my top 10 list of movies I love. My favorite scene, the cat gets me every time! :-/ I’m still waiting for my Nino to walk through the door…
Veronica’s List of Resolutions, Not just for the New Year but for LIFE!
(A few gems stolen from Woody Guthrie).
There are 3 Truths I am following with regards to making this ambitious list #1 If you do not go after what you want you will never have it. #2 If you do not ask the answer will always be “no” #3 If you do not step forward you will always be in the same place. Let’s get started!
1. Tell my family I love them more often/ Be a better sister
2. Try not to be such a flake – Stay consistent/Keep promises
3. Get myself into the best shape of my life – Exercise daily at least 30 mins
4. Finish everything I start
5. Start writing my damn book already
6. Wake up and Fight
7. Eat healthier - Protein, Fiber and Veggies
8. Drink more water and less Vodka
9. Stay Glad
10. Save Dough
11. Make my dad proud
12. Travel more
13. Learn to speak better Spanish
14. Find awesome apartment and stay more than a year
15. Laugh a lot more
16. Jump in the Ocean – SOBER
17. Be kinder to myself
18. Learn to sew
19. Volunteer for crap
20. Drive on the expressway
21. Read more – Buy Kindle Fire or something
22. Let friends/fam know when they are being assholes
23. Invest – No risk, no reward right?!
24. Dance better
25. Botox armpits
26. Enjoy life every possible moment
27. Make peace with the past
28. Buy my mother a nicer grave stone thingy
29. Keep negative people out of my life path
30. Know when to say “NO”
31. Leave guilt at the door
32. Take a roadtrip
33. Buy a ridiculously expensive camera and use it
34. Learn how to cook and bake better
35. Let my hair grow
36. Finish my “Lovely” tattoo
37. Visit France and pretend that I am Amelie
38. Sing a song at the top of your lungs at least once a week
39. Run a 5k but actually RUN the whole thing
40. Write more, it’s a talent why waste it?
41. Get back into boxing!
42. Go whale watching
43. Buy myself a new pair of shoes once a month
44. Learn how to play poker really well
45. Finally get my business underway
46. Do something extravagant for myself every couple weeks
47. Go to Church every Sunday
48. Watch a lot more movies!
49. Learn to love Ab exercises!
50. Find happiness where I can even on the worst days, there is always something to be grateful for..
And I will keep it going… Here is to a happier, healthier and more positive 2012. Make GOOD shit happen this year people! :)
Love, Vero
Have times always been hard for dreamers like us? Given the roadblock of reality I have to say so. I have been criticized most of my life for my deep-rooted, unabashed, and undying hopefulness. Now does that fall into the “dreamer” aspect of things or is that just optimism? Are these things one and the same? Are we supposed to not hope, not dream, not wish? The word dreamer seems to be used as a negative word, as if to say all dreams are not possible. I call bullshit on that. Not all dreams come true but if you don’t dream and hope how can you manifest anything positive?
When I was little my mother told me how close she was to naming me Norma Jean. She really liked Marilyn Monroe I suppose. Thank God she named me Veronica…it sounds much more glamourous. However maybe if she had named me differently I may have looked as gorgeous as Marilyn hahahaha.
Marilyn Monroe
Anytime I feel sad I watch this little clip of my niece and I can’t help but laugh! I love this little girl sooooo much. I can’t believe she is going to be turning 1 January 2nd. Wow she is so precious to my life…watch this…
One of the scariest things I have ever done was to throw myself out of a perfectly good airplane at 14,000 feet! I’d say it really helped to have a very handsome instructor strapped to me the whole time. I feel in many ways this “stunt” brought me back to life. Months earlier the love of my life left me with a massive broken heart and an almost broken soul. It was one of the most painful times in my life where it hurt to breathe, hurt to to smile and hurt to even try healing this deep crack in my heart. The only time I found peace was in sleep. I walked around with this numbing weight on my shoulders where life seemed too unfair and heavy. One morning I woke up from a dream where I was flying. The world was beneath me and I could see everything so clearly. It was beautiful, grand and scary as hell. It was one of those dreams where you wake up when you feel yourself falling. I jumped up and I knew I had to do something. I wanted to feel alive again. I could no longer be a ghost or shell of myself. I needed something to make me feel that life was worth living again. Fear and adrenaline are very peculiar things let me tell you. On the drive to the tiny airport it didn’t feel real yet, was I really going to do this? It was a hot day in August as we drove past all this farm land, the sky was bright blue and clear. I prepared myself for the jump but I wasn’t afraid. You take a 45 miute class where they teach you how to position your body, how to release the parachute and how to gage your altitude. My heart started pounding in my ears. I tried using the bathroom before I got suited up but being so scared made any urges disappear lol. My legs began to shake as they put the harness on me with the emergency parachute in it. Oh shit was I going to chicken out now? As we approached the plane the shaking got worse and so did the taunts from all the instructors. “Look at her she is shaking like a leaf, she won’t do it”. Being that I was second to last I really could have back out if I wanted to but I would have lost $270 for being a damn chicken. Nope I wasn’t going to give anybody that satisfaction. My instructor grabbed my hand and squeezed “Are you ready champ? Let’s do this thing!” I just looked at him and shook my head. I gave him my best ”Let’s do this” eyes and they opened the doors. I felt my pigtails blowing around and I began to silently say a million hail Mary’s. One by one I saw my jump mates take their leaps of faith and I wondered if they were doing this for the same reason I was. The instructor directly ahead of me winked and said “I better see you down on the ground hun—don’t be a chicken”! The student strapped to his back smiled and gave me the peace sign as they did a backflip out of the plane. Then our videographer reminds me to smile and wave while I am out there as he winks and leaps out like nothing. I took a deep breath as I made my way to the door and thought “Aye Dios Mio”!!!! My instructor positioned us for jump and he said “Here we go partnah in 3…2…and” He threw us out of the plane before saying 1 and I remember just smiling in between screams. The air hits you so fast that if you don’t scream you can’t really breathe so naturally I screamed “FUCK YEAH”!!!! Yes this is all documented on the video of my jump (So dorky it’s friggin hilarious). I was so happy to have done it and I was so into waving at the camera and blowing kisses that I forgot to pull the parachute open. Lucky for me my instructor did! The best part of the jump was slowly gliding to the ground and seeing farmland for miles and miles then seeing the Chicago skyline in the distance. It was amazing! You drift through clouds and twirl about to position yourself for landing and it makes you think how beautiful and special life is. This is what flying feels like—this is how I imagine heaven. You get a new pespective of the world you live in and for the first time in months…I felt alive. Touching the ground makes you grateful, at least that is how it was for me. I lived to tell! The experience gave my world a gentle shake, a push forward and a jolt of appreciation for the goodness I still have in life. It’s something I will never ever forget. 4 years later I am in a good place. I am mended, happy and dare I say “grounded” lol. In life sometimes we need that kick, motivation, scare the shit out of you moments that slap you in the face. “Get your shit together” “Enjoy Life” “Be grateful fucker” is what this experience said to me. This might be an extreme way to get through a crisis and it is not for everyone but it worked for me. I did it a second time and lived but I think I am good on the skydiving now. I need to plot my next extreme adventure…I wonder what that might be? <3 Veronica
